Your Great Worth

My Sweet Little One,

      The things I am about to tell you may be too sad for your tiny little ears to hear right now. Luckily, you won't read this blog or know it exists until later in your teenage years, in the years that you will be subjected to more temptation and peer pressure than you've probably ever known. I won't always been around to help you make the right decisions, and you will have to choose for yourself what path you want to walk and who you want to be. Hopefully, I will have taught you how to make your own decisions- good decisions you want to make and not because you feel guilty for not making the decision that I would choose for you. It is during these years that you will need to know just how much I love you, how much I have always loved you, and how much I want to protect you from the evil that exists in this world.

Today, I read an article about the various ways that newborn babies were found abandoned (dead or alive). They were flushed down toilets, suffocated in trash bags and thrown in the dumpster, strangled, and found in sewer drains. Worse still, "doctors" will dispose of babies of failed abortions by twisting their heads off or severing their spinal cord. A baby made swimming motions after being thrown in a toilet, so an abortionist took the baby back out of the toilet and cut the spinal cord. He or she was someone so helpless, and yet, still fighting for life. Millions are dying every day, because the people that are supposed to love them somehow lose their ability to love, or they are deceived into believing that material things on this earth and fleeting pleasures on this earth are more important than family.

Every soul is of great worth to our Heavenly Father, so I don't mean to diminish the worth of those precious babies that are losing their lives. However, I wonder how important you must be to our Heavenly Father's plan to be born into a family that loves you so much. When we asked for you, we asked the Lord if we could take care of one of his valiant souls. I have a feeling that you are a very special boy. I also feel that you will have a strong testimony and help bring many to the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that I have many weaknesses, so I have been praying that the Lord will help me to be a good example to you.

There is so much evil in the world today that sometimes it can be difficult to stay hopeful for the bright future that is waiting for us. There is so much evil in the world today that it is easy to be overtaken by it. I've already mentioned how evil is often disguised as good. Entertainment can portray drugs, violence, and sex in the most seductive and enticing ways. It is so important that we pay attention to the things that we put into our minds. What we put into our minds shapes our thoughts, and our thoughts shape who we are. Here's a quote that I've always really liked:

“Watch your thoughts, they become words;
watch your words, they become actions;
watch your actions, they become habits;
watch your habits, they become character;
watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

All the little decisions that we make in our lives, though they may seem insignificant, mold us into the person we are. When I first started to pray again, changes didn't occur in my life all at once. It was through persistent prayer, gratitude, and appreciation for my trials that were helping to humble me that helped to transform my anxiety and depression into joy. Now I understand that the sadness that I may experience from time to time helps to keep my heart turned upward to whom I must look for strength. For this reason, I don't know that I would ever want to be rid of it completely. I hope you inherit your dad's cheerful demeanor. Even if you don't, please know that even sadness can be a good thing and a blessing.

I feel like I've said all this before, I hope I don't sound like a broken record...but I do feel like the biggest enemy you will have to face will be inside of you. You will ask yourself questions like, "Am I good enough?" The answer is, yes! You are better than good enough. The Lord loves you for who you are and who you can become.

Here is the pumpkin that I carved in honor of your expected due date. It is very rare for a baby to come on the date that they are predicted to come, of course. It's just the thought!

Three short months from today (roughly...depending on whether or not you want to come sooner), I will get to see your face for the first time! Your dad and I worked this weekend on painting your room. We still aren't done yet, but I will definitely post pictures when we finish. We love you so much!

Love Always,

Mom

Because I Want Your Life to Be Happy

Baby Boy,

        In two days, there will be four months left until we get to meet each other face to face. I've been surprised at how strong you are. I think the warm water of the shower wakes you up in the morning. Today, you kicked me so hard while I was showering that I felt like my whole body was jolted forward. I'm not sure, but I interpreted it as you not liking the fact that the water woke you up. 

     When I was sitting in church on Sunday, I started to think about all the anxious and depressed people in the world. If anything were to happen to me, heaven forbid, I want to make sure you have access to some things I have gathered over the years, which I think could greatly improve your outlook on life and help you stay positive even when life seems difficult. 

Failing doesn't make us a failure. We will all fail at some point in our lives. We all will do something embarrassing; there is no hiding from it no matter how hard we try. Don't let fear of failure or embarrassment make you afraid to live your life. Don't be afraid to take risks as long as you are listening to promptings from the Holy Ghost. He will always guide you down the right path for your life. 

When I was younger, my dad used to always use this quote, "Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watchin'." Most people are afraid of what other people think of them, and we judge ourselves based on what we believe other people think of us; perhaps that's why there is such a huge concern about what we should wear, what we should drive, and how we should act. I want you to feel free to be yourself. Judgement from other people won't hurt you physically, and it can only hurt you emotionally if you let it. 

Many people live in fear of failure everyday of their lives. It often manifests itself as anxiety. You may also find that you experience fear and anxiety in spite of your attempts to be strong and have courage. This is also normal. Don't feel that you have failed if you begin to experience fear. This discouragement will actually exacerbate the fear and anxiety you already have and make you feel worse. Accept that you are afraid, but pray for strength. You will have weaknesses, but don't be too hard on yourself when you recognize what they are. If you are humble and have faith, the Lord will help you transform your weaknesses into strengths. 

Son, life can be hard sometimes. If it weren't hard, it wouldn't be worth living. It is the difficult moments and trying times that transform us the most. Let's not forget the famous quote said by Alfred in Batman Begins, "Why do we fall, Master Wayne? ...So we can learn to pick ourselves back up." I see people on TV that have always had everything that they've ever wanted. These are not the kind of people that I would ever want to be. Being without helps us to be more humble and grateful for the things that we do have in our lives.

Though this is unrelated, I will end with a quote I put on Facebook, because someone recommended that I compile these so you have them to read when you get older. Since I am already writing these letters to you, I thought this would be the perfect place to put it: 

"This is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me. To watch my little baby move around in my belly on the ultrasound. To see how active he is and to know that my husband and I created that life together. To be so excited for my husband, because he is going to make such an incredible dad. And to see his eyes light up. It's worth whatever pain I have to go through giving birth and whatever sacrifice I have to make- financial or otherwise. Family is THE most important thing we have been given in this life, and I feel so incredibly blessed to have mine." (August 23rd, 2013)

        

I love you with all of my heart. I am so glad that you are a part of my life. 

Love Always,

Mom

Ultrasound and Cloth Diapers!

Hi Baby Boy,

      I got to see you again today. This time, I got to keep a recording of the live ultrasound. Now you can see just how active you are. Your movements appear jerky, because your nervous system isn't fully developed yet to have precise movements. The ultrasound tech said that I am staying well hydrated, because you have a big "swimming pool." That just means you have a lot of amniotic fluid (but not too much). You can see it better when she moves the ultrasound to see you from the side. From what we can tell now, you are already stationing your head kind of downward. That's good, because that is the easiest way for you to come out (head first).

At the end of the video, she gets your heart beat from your umbilical cord! Isn't that neat? It's measuring 148 bpm. That's down from 152-154 bpm from 16 weeks which is good. It's supposed to go down as the pregnancy progresses. She does the thermal imaging (the colors at the end of the video) to show me that there are two arteries and one vein just like a healthy baby should have. Using your cephalic and chest measurements, she said you were in the 55 percentile for your age. People might think it is better to be in a higher percentile, but that's not accurate. Growing too quickly could cause some impairments or indicate a problem. Everything is growing as it should and in proportion to one another. You are just right. Here you are in all of your preciousness:



Some of the cloth diapers I bought you came in today too. I bought 16, but I'm sure I will need more. Karla told me that she recommends using Eco nuts to wash the diapers. I'm mostly telling you that, so I can remember for later. Here are the diapers that I got. You are going to be so stinkin' cute:

Later, I will add pictures of the clothes and other things I've gotten for you, so I have have everything documented. See you in 19 weeks and 5 days!

Love,
Mom

Names and Faces and Sweet Baby Kicks

Dearest Little One,

          You are one of the best gifts that anyone has ever given me. I usually have to work for any kind of confirmation that I receive from Heavenly Father, but when your father and I prayed for you, I received a distinct witness from the Holy Ghost as if God was saying that He would grant me the desires of my heart. You were conceived within that month.

          I never knew that I was capable of loving anyone as much as I love you. Don't get me wrong, I love your dad more and more every day. But you! You are completely depended upon me for survival. What I eat, you eat. Where I go, you go. I can't imagine how I will feel after you are born. I am so curious to know what you will look like. Will you have your daddy's hair and nose and ears? I can't remember if I've mentioned this before....but your dad is convinced that all Cardons get the Cardon nose and ears. It's true that all the boys of Cardon sons have the same ears. He says they all have the same nose too, but I don't see it. I hope you will be tall like both of your Grandpas not short like your mom. It would be very rare for you to have anything but blue eyes and O+ blood, though it is still possible. Blue eyes pretty much means that you will need to wear Sunglasses when you are outside even when its overcast. I hope you look like me even if it is just a little bit.

        I wish you could help me pick out your name. I don't know why it has to be so hard to name little boys. I could have named at least 5 little girls in the time it has taken me to think of your name. I said in the beginning that I was going to name you Asher Ruland, but I started to feel that maybe it wasn't the right choice. However, I almost feel obligated, since it was the first thing that I wrote on your blog. I wanted to give you at least one normal name. I've been thinking about Asher Logan, but I still don't know anything for sure. I am really just waiting on a distinct sign- maybe an angel that comes down that just tells me what the name is supposed to be. I'm sure I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I really need to, but I think names are important. Maybe I won't know for sure until I see you. That seems like a really long time to wait to pick out a name...Your dad still wants to have Ruland or Kent in your name. I want him to be involved in picking out the name too.

Because your dad and I are so happy together (and I'm not used to being this happy!), I've had a fear of losing him. I've actually had this fear on and off for at least three years (before our car accident). I've been praying that I would no longer have fear in this way but mostly that nothing would happen to take your dad away from us. I was reading in my nursing parent-child book that fear of losing a spouse is a common fear in the second trimester. It made me feel better to know that the reaction I'm having is completely natural.

Yesterday was the first day that I really felt you moving consistently throughout the day. It is such a comfort to me to feel you move. You are SO STRONG. Last night, your dad put his hand on you and pressed down just a little bit. You seemed to kick back with just as much strength as you could muster, and it made me giggle. You are still so young, but you are so aware of everything. It was almost as if you were saying, "Hey! Quit that, this is my space and you are crowding me!" I'm not sure if I said this in the last post I made, but I wonder how loud we need to talk in order for you to hear us.

One of my friends, Amanda, told me that we should make sure your dad is talking to you consistently throughout the pregnancy, so he is able to comfort you too when I'm not around. At church today, a woman in the sacrament meeting got up with her baby. The other two children cried and followed her out, though their dad was still sitting there with them when she left. I just laughed and looked over at your dad. I guess nothing quite compares to a mother's love. Now that I say that, you will probably end up being a daddy's boy. However, I don't think that will happen until I'm no longer supplying your food!

Kids really do seem to like your daddy. I hear funny stories all the time that seem to indicate just that. Tim used to work for a guy who has a son with developmental delays. He doesn't know very many words but Tim's name happens to be one of them. The son of Tim's current boss once told him, "When I grow up, I want to be just like you, Uncle Tim." The daughter of one of my friends gave a picture to him instead of me when she got to choose between us. Karla said, "She never does that. She normally doesn't like boys." I wasn't hurt by it, I know that I am lucky and blessed to have him in my life. I just think he has a sweet spirit, and little children, especially, can pick up on that. You will be lucky to have him in your life too. Sometimes, he doesn't have a way with words like mom, but it's really action that counts the most.

I'm going to go now, my little man. I'll try to have your name officially picked out soon. Please help if you can! Your dad and I love you.

Love,
Mom

Everyday, You Are Bigger and Stronger

My Beloved Son,

        I'm sorry it has been so long since I've written you, though it will seem like no time has lapsed at all when you read this. I think it has been about a month, but it has seemed much longer than that. I think about you every day, and hope that you are getting all the nutrients that you need. A couple of weeks ago, I went to the doctor for your official "sex check," though we already knew you were a boy. I really just wanted to see you and hear your heart beat. At 13 weeks, you moved around one time, though it seemed like such a big deal when you did! At 16 weeks, you were moving all over the place. During the check up, the doctor had a hard time keeping your heart beat on the doppler machine, because you kept turning. It just made me laugh. I already know that you are going to be a very active toddler/child, so your activity in the womb doesn't surprise me. Today, I got a little worried, because I hadn't felt you move for a while. Now, I can tell, you've definitely woken up. I encourage you to move around more. You can kick me and wake me up at night, that's okay. I will need to get used to being woken up in the middle of the night. I will probably be happy when I wake up, because I will know that you are okay and you are strong.

In class, I learned that babies are nocturnal by nature. They have to be programmed to sleep at night and not during the day. This has to do with the time when people were hunters and gatherers. Babies would sleep in a sling on the mothers back while she was out gathering nuts and berries during the day. It wasn't safe for mom to stop and feed the child for 30 minutes at a time, because of predators. I also learned all about how to properly breast feed, but I will spare you the details since you are a boy :).

Here are pictures of your sonograms. I know you will love the fact that I've shown one, in particular, to everyone. You'll see why:

In the bottom photo, you look like you have tiny little legs, but the top one does a better job at showing those meaty legs. You also look like you have big lips, but that could just be your lip muscles.

I'm really starting to show now (or should I say that YOU are starting to show?), though that just seems to be my opinion. It also depends on the shirt that I wear too. Here's the photo that your dad took on Saturday (3 days ago) before we went to a Braves' game:

In the beginning, I was pretty insecure about gaining the weight. When I look in the mirror now, I feel more beautiful than I've ever felt and, for once, don't feel insecure about gaining weight. It helps that I look really good in those pants. Your Aunt Karla (I don't know if she is okay with me calling her "Aunt," because she isn't really your Aunt, but she's always felt and been like a sister to me.) let me borrow some maternity clothes, and now I feel fabulous! I finally have clothes that fit me that aren't exercise pants/pajamas.

Son, I really love you. I worry sometimes that something might happen to you, but I always feel comforted to know that I got a blessing when I found out that I was pregnant with you. I was blessed that the pregnancy would go well and you would be healthy. I hope that you like me, and we have a good relationship. I'm going to do my best to raise you to know right from wrong and to find joy in this life and the next. I'll do my best to keep my temper when I get upset. I know I'll make mistakes, but I hope you'll forgive me. Don't be one of those teenagers that doesn't want anything to do with their parents, okay? I want kisses and hugs every day until you move out. Society is wrong. It's okay for boys to cry and show their emotions. 

Thinking of you and loving you always,

Mom

My Active Little One

Hello My Little Boy,

        Here's how I announced your boyhood to my family and friends:

Many people enjoyed the mustache. I was actually going to give you a tie, but they didn't have ties on the photo editing software that I was using. I think it turned out better with the mustache. More humor! Your Uncle Brian said that your mustache looked manly and that it was impressive. I am assuming that he is talking about how incredible it is for a 2.36 inch baby to grow a mustache. I think the fact that it is baby blue is the most impressive thing about it. Your Aunt Gina said, "Lol lol." I am sure she thought the photo was funny with the mustache. However, I think she was laughing more so because you are Ruland and Sue's 14th grandchild and you will be the 11th boy. I tease your daddy, because rarely can the Cardon boys produce anything other than boys. I've said that the Cardon legacy must be meant to live on- at least through the last name anyway!

I actually feel relieved that you are a boy. I was dead set on having a girl in the beginning. Then, one day I woke up and didn't care if you were a girl or a boy as long as you are healthy. Then, I started wanting a boy. Your mom (that's me) has always been a tomboy. I will either raise a girl that is a tomboy or raise a boy. I love sports and hiking and camping. I used to play with worms and mud, but I grew out of that phase. I've never grown out of my desire to climb trees. I went fishing with your dad this Saturday, and I actually picked up an earth worm out of the container to give to your dad. It took me about 2 minutes worth of screaming to get him out. 

So, we got to find out that you were a boy about 3 weeks earlier than we thought we would. That was a relief, because the wait was almost unbearable! I don't understand how people can stand to wait until a baby is born to find out if they are having a boy or a girl, especially on their first child. Even if people are more patient than we (and our family) have been, you still don't know what stroller to pick out, what to paint the room, or what clothes to buy.

 The best part about the whole ultrasound was that you started moving around. You weren't just wiggling your fingers a little, you were really going to town. You started moving both of your arms. Then, you reached down to touch your toes! I couldn't believe it, and my mind is still blown from the experience. It was like- you were no longer an idea or a little picture on a screen anymore. Your movement created a realization for me that you have feelings and awareness. I wonder what you think about. I wonder if you dream. You are already so beautiful and brilliant. You can't tell (because the mustache is in the way), but it looks like you are smiling in that sonogram photo. Actually. I will post the picture without the mustache, so you can see: 

I forgot to mention that your heart is now beating at 154 bpm now. The pregnancy website that I read says that you are the size of a peach. It also says that you may be able to get your thumb into your mouth which is a habit that comes in handy for self-soothing when you are a newborn. It's funny that it mentions that, because, most of the time during the sonogram, it looked like you were sucking your thumb. Sister Hibbert from church is the first person to say that I am starting to show that I am pregnant. I love you little one! I hope you can feel that from your dad and I even though you are only 13 weeks in utero. 

Loving Regards,

Mom

The first time I saw your face, I fell in love.

Hello Little One,

         I mean really little! It turns out that you are a week younger than I first thought. You were 2.35 cm on Tuesday morning when I got my first sonogram. That's right at an inch. Your doctor, Dr. Barfield, says that the measurements are accurate at determining age within plus or minus 4 days. He did two measurements just to make sure. Both measurements said you were 9 weeks and 1 day. When I heard your heartbeat, I cried. It was overwhelming to hear it. Not only had I had a nightmare the day before that they couldn't find your heartbeat, but it was also beating so fast!

He estimated your heart beat to be around 170 bpm which is normal for a fetus at 9 weeks. According to the chart that I looked at online, your heart is beating the fastest that it will ever beat in your life (resting heart rate), because heart rate starts to go back down after 9 weeks. The healthy range at 9 weeks is 155-195 with 175 being the average.

I asked him to let me record your heart beat from the ultrasound machine on my phone. Here's the recording of it:

                               
Here are the first photos I have of you in my belly:

You are truly the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I love you SO much!

Love,
Mom

P.S. By the way, you are not a twin :). I won't find out if you are a boy or a girl until you are 16 weeks, though I know your Grandpa (my dad) will keep asking in spite of telling him that.