Baby Shower

Dear Logan,

         We just had your baby shower this weekend. Your granny spent a lot of time and effort to make sure everything was perfect. They had stuffed monkeys hanging from a tree, and everything was safari-themed. Here are some photos that your great-grandpa took (that's why he's not in the pictures):

 There are some other photos from your granny and great aunt that I will post as soon as I can get them!

We only have a little over 7 more weeks to go before we get to meet. (I started this about a week ago. We now have around 6 more weeks to go). I've never been more excited for anything in my life, and I don't think I've ever done anything more important in my life. It's like everything else pales in comparison to you entering in our lives. I will really miss being able to feel you move around in my belly. You move around the most around 11 pm, but it seems like you've recently started moving around a lot in the morning too. I've been extremely thirsty in the past couple of weeks. I've also gotten stretch marks in the past couple of weeks too! They aren't bad (yet).Granny had twins, and she still had the kind of stretch marks that faded so much you couldn't see them anymore. Maybe these will be like hers. I like to tell you that I know its not your fault and it is worth every pregnancy-associated symptom to have you! I talk to you all the time, though you are still in my belly :).

It's funny to me, because I've gotten more compliments on my appearance since I've been pregnant than when I was very fit doing Crossfit. I've wondered if they are trying to help me feel better about the weight I've gained. However, I honestly believe they really think I look good, though I think I look a bit like a chipmunk storing nuts in its cheeks for the winter, lol! Pregnant women have a pregnancy glow, and I think there may be something that can be seen beyond physical appearance as well. Maybe people can tell how happy I am to be having you.

I like to listen to books on tape when I am in my car, because there is rarely anything uplifting that plays on the radio anymore. I recently listened to Mitch Albom's "The Time Keeper" and started a book called, "Building Better Families." Here are some questions that you can expect to hear from me a lot as you grow up, and I am doing my best to raise you to be a happy, loving, respectful, and kind person with integrity and grit:

What can you learn from this experience? (You can make any situation something positive as long as you see it for what it really is- an opportunity to grow).
How could you have handled that better? (This is a question that I ask myself often).
How will that help you become the best version of yourself?

The last question comes from the "Building Better Families" audio book. I've just started it, but it has already been so  insightful and helpful, It has shared different ideas that I have thought about but have had a difficult time putting into words. It feels nice to hear someone else confirm something that I already know. I don't think the author is a member of the church, but the ideas that he shares are the same as what we know already- they may just be worded a little differently. I think it is interesting how you can say something in a different way and things finally connect and make sense to someone. He basically said that we live in families to help each other grow as individuals. We have come to earth to become the very best version of ourselves. He also said that, if I ask you those questions, I should expect you to ask me the same questions. That our kids will hold us accountable for every inconsistency. For example, if I try to teach you that you don't need to watch a lot of TV but I do, you won't learn that as a true principle. Needless to say, my little one, I have a huge responsibility ahead of me, because there are some things that I need to change about myself in order to be the best example for you. I would never be able to convince your dad to get rid of many of the movies that he has, but I might be able to convince him to put them into storage. He loves car movies like the Fast and the Furious series, but these movies objectify women as sex symbols. They idolize money, recklessness, power, and conflict. I just think you are going to see me as being so controlling. I don't want you to think that, and I will do my best to try not to seem controlling. Often when we are young (and regardless of whether we are young), we don't realize what kind of impact our culture is having on us. The entertainment industry brainwashes us by exposure. If we expose ourselves enough to these things, what we put into our minds is eventually what we become.

 I love you, my little one. You and your dad are my best friends. I want you to become the very best version of yourself. I know you will help me do the same, because I will experience tremendous growth as a mother. See you soon, my precious gift!

Love Eternally,
Mom

Pregnancy Progression

17 weeks

18 weeks

19 weeks

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23 weeks

24 weeks

25 weeks

26 weeks

27 weeks

28 weeks 29 weeks

30 weeks

 31 weeks

 32 weeks

 33 weeks

 34 weeks

 35 weeks

 36 weeks

 37 weeks

 38 weeks

39 weeks

 40 weeks

...40+ weeks!

 Lots and lots of swelling...

 Even more love.

Your Great Worth

My Sweet Little One,

      The things I am about to tell you may be too sad for your tiny little ears to hear right now. Luckily, you won't read this blog or know it exists until later in your teenage years, in the years that you will be subjected to more temptation and peer pressure than you've probably ever known. I won't always been around to help you make the right decisions, and you will have to choose for yourself what path you want to walk and who you want to be. Hopefully, I will have taught you how to make your own decisions- good decisions you want to make and not because you feel guilty for not making the decision that I would choose for you. It is during these years that you will need to know just how much I love you, how much I have always loved you, and how much I want to protect you from the evil that exists in this world.

Today, I read an article about the various ways that newborn babies were found abandoned (dead or alive). They were flushed down toilets, suffocated in trash bags and thrown in the dumpster, strangled, and found in sewer drains. Worse still, "doctors" will dispose of babies of failed abortions by twisting their heads off or severing their spinal cord. A baby made swimming motions after being thrown in a toilet, so an abortionist took the baby back out of the toilet and cut the spinal cord. He or she was someone so helpless, and yet, still fighting for life. Millions are dying every day, because the people that are supposed to love them somehow lose their ability to love, or they are deceived into believing that material things on this earth and fleeting pleasures on this earth are more important than family.

Every soul is of great worth to our Heavenly Father, so I don't mean to diminish the worth of those precious babies that are losing their lives. However, I wonder how important you must be to our Heavenly Father's plan to be born into a family that loves you so much. When we asked for you, we asked the Lord if we could take care of one of his valiant souls. I have a feeling that you are a very special boy. I also feel that you will have a strong testimony and help bring many to the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that I have many weaknesses, so I have been praying that the Lord will help me to be a good example to you.

There is so much evil in the world today that sometimes it can be difficult to stay hopeful for the bright future that is waiting for us. There is so much evil in the world today that it is easy to be overtaken by it. I've already mentioned how evil is often disguised as good. Entertainment can portray drugs, violence, and sex in the most seductive and enticing ways. It is so important that we pay attention to the things that we put into our minds. What we put into our minds shapes our thoughts, and our thoughts shape who we are. Here's a quote that I've always really liked:

“Watch your thoughts, they become words;
watch your words, they become actions;
watch your actions, they become habits;
watch your habits, they become character;
watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

All the little decisions that we make in our lives, though they may seem insignificant, mold us into the person we are. When I first started to pray again, changes didn't occur in my life all at once. It was through persistent prayer, gratitude, and appreciation for my trials that were helping to humble me that helped to transform my anxiety and depression into joy. Now I understand that the sadness that I may experience from time to time helps to keep my heart turned upward to whom I must look for strength. For this reason, I don't know that I would ever want to be rid of it completely. I hope you inherit your dad's cheerful demeanor. Even if you don't, please know that even sadness can be a good thing and a blessing.

I feel like I've said all this before, I hope I don't sound like a broken record...but I do feel like the biggest enemy you will have to face will be inside of you. You will ask yourself questions like, "Am I good enough?" The answer is, yes! You are better than good enough. The Lord loves you for who you are and who you can become.

Here is the pumpkin that I carved in honor of your expected due date. It is very rare for a baby to come on the date that they are predicted to come, of course. It's just the thought!

Three short months from today (roughly...depending on whether or not you want to come sooner), I will get to see your face for the first time! Your dad and I worked this weekend on painting your room. We still aren't done yet, but I will definitely post pictures when we finish. We love you so much!

Love Always,

Mom

Because I Want Your Life to Be Happy

Baby Boy,

        In two days, there will be four months left until we get to meet each other face to face. I've been surprised at how strong you are. I think the warm water of the shower wakes you up in the morning. Today, you kicked me so hard while I was showering that I felt like my whole body was jolted forward. I'm not sure, but I interpreted it as you not liking the fact that the water woke you up. 

     When I was sitting in church on Sunday, I started to think about all the anxious and depressed people in the world. If anything were to happen to me, heaven forbid, I want to make sure you have access to some things I have gathered over the years, which I think could greatly improve your outlook on life and help you stay positive even when life seems difficult. 

Failing doesn't make us a failure. We will all fail at some point in our lives. We all will do something embarrassing; there is no hiding from it no matter how hard we try. Don't let fear of failure or embarrassment make you afraid to live your life. Don't be afraid to take risks as long as you are listening to promptings from the Holy Ghost. He will always guide you down the right path for your life. 

When I was younger, my dad used to always use this quote, "Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watchin'." Most people are afraid of what other people think of them, and we judge ourselves based on what we believe other people think of us; perhaps that's why there is such a huge concern about what we should wear, what we should drive, and how we should act. I want you to feel free to be yourself. Judgement from other people won't hurt you physically, and it can only hurt you emotionally if you let it. 

Many people live in fear of failure everyday of their lives. It often manifests itself as anxiety. You may also find that you experience fear and anxiety in spite of your attempts to be strong and have courage. This is also normal. Don't feel that you have failed if you begin to experience fear. This discouragement will actually exacerbate the fear and anxiety you already have and make you feel worse. Accept that you are afraid, but pray for strength. You will have weaknesses, but don't be too hard on yourself when you recognize what they are. If you are humble and have faith, the Lord will help you transform your weaknesses into strengths. 

Son, life can be hard sometimes. If it weren't hard, it wouldn't be worth living. It is the difficult moments and trying times that transform us the most. Let's not forget the famous quote said by Alfred in Batman Begins, "Why do we fall, Master Wayne? ...So we can learn to pick ourselves back up." I see people on TV that have always had everything that they've ever wanted. These are not the kind of people that I would ever want to be. Being without helps us to be more humble and grateful for the things that we do have in our lives.

Though this is unrelated, I will end with a quote I put on Facebook, because someone recommended that I compile these so you have them to read when you get older. Since I am already writing these letters to you, I thought this would be the perfect place to put it: 

"This is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me. To watch my little baby move around in my belly on the ultrasound. To see how active he is and to know that my husband and I created that life together. To be so excited for my husband, because he is going to make such an incredible dad. And to see his eyes light up. It's worth whatever pain I have to go through giving birth and whatever sacrifice I have to make- financial or otherwise. Family is THE most important thing we have been given in this life, and I feel so incredibly blessed to have mine." (August 23rd, 2013)

        

I love you with all of my heart. I am so glad that you are a part of my life. 

Love Always,

Mom

Ultrasound and Cloth Diapers!

Hi Baby Boy,

      I got to see you again today. This time, I got to keep a recording of the live ultrasound. Now you can see just how active you are. Your movements appear jerky, because your nervous system isn't fully developed yet to have precise movements. The ultrasound tech said that I am staying well hydrated, because you have a big "swimming pool." That just means you have a lot of amniotic fluid (but not too much). You can see it better when she moves the ultrasound to see you from the side. From what we can tell now, you are already stationing your head kind of downward. That's good, because that is the easiest way for you to come out (head first).

At the end of the video, she gets your heart beat from your umbilical cord! Isn't that neat? It's measuring 148 bpm. That's down from 152-154 bpm from 16 weeks which is good. It's supposed to go down as the pregnancy progresses. She does the thermal imaging (the colors at the end of the video) to show me that there are two arteries and one vein just like a healthy baby should have. Using your cephalic and chest measurements, she said you were in the 55 percentile for your age. People might think it is better to be in a higher percentile, but that's not accurate. Growing too quickly could cause some impairments or indicate a problem. Everything is growing as it should and in proportion to one another. You are just right. Here you are in all of your preciousness:



Some of the cloth diapers I bought you came in today too. I bought 16, but I'm sure I will need more. Karla told me that she recommends using Eco nuts to wash the diapers. I'm mostly telling you that, so I can remember for later. Here are the diapers that I got. You are going to be so stinkin' cute:

Later, I will add pictures of the clothes and other things I've gotten for you, so I have have everything documented. See you in 19 weeks and 5 days!

Love,
Mom

Names and Faces and Sweet Baby Kicks

Dearest Little One,

          You are one of the best gifts that anyone has ever given me. I usually have to work for any kind of confirmation that I receive from Heavenly Father, but when your father and I prayed for you, I received a distinct witness from the Holy Ghost as if God was saying that He would grant me the desires of my heart. You were conceived within that month.

          I never knew that I was capable of loving anyone as much as I love you. Don't get me wrong, I love your dad more and more every day. But you! You are completely depended upon me for survival. What I eat, you eat. Where I go, you go. I can't imagine how I will feel after you are born. I am so curious to know what you will look like. Will you have your daddy's hair and nose and ears? I can't remember if I've mentioned this before....but your dad is convinced that all Cardons get the Cardon nose and ears. It's true that all the boys of Cardon sons have the same ears. He says they all have the same nose too, but I don't see it. I hope you will be tall like both of your Grandpas not short like your mom. It would be very rare for you to have anything but blue eyes and O+ blood, though it is still possible. Blue eyes pretty much means that you will need to wear Sunglasses when you are outside even when its overcast. I hope you look like me even if it is just a little bit.

        I wish you could help me pick out your name. I don't know why it has to be so hard to name little boys. I could have named at least 5 little girls in the time it has taken me to think of your name. I said in the beginning that I was going to name you Asher Ruland, but I started to feel that maybe it wasn't the right choice. However, I almost feel obligated, since it was the first thing that I wrote on your blog. I wanted to give you at least one normal name. I've been thinking about Asher Logan, but I still don't know anything for sure. I am really just waiting on a distinct sign- maybe an angel that comes down that just tells me what the name is supposed to be. I'm sure I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I really need to, but I think names are important. Maybe I won't know for sure until I see you. That seems like a really long time to wait to pick out a name...Your dad still wants to have Ruland or Kent in your name. I want him to be involved in picking out the name too.

Because your dad and I are so happy together (and I'm not used to being this happy!), I've had a fear of losing him. I've actually had this fear on and off for at least three years (before our car accident). I've been praying that I would no longer have fear in this way but mostly that nothing would happen to take your dad away from us. I was reading in my nursing parent-child book that fear of losing a spouse is a common fear in the second trimester. It made me feel better to know that the reaction I'm having is completely natural.

Yesterday was the first day that I really felt you moving consistently throughout the day. It is such a comfort to me to feel you move. You are SO STRONG. Last night, your dad put his hand on you and pressed down just a little bit. You seemed to kick back with just as much strength as you could muster, and it made me giggle. You are still so young, but you are so aware of everything. It was almost as if you were saying, "Hey! Quit that, this is my space and you are crowding me!" I'm not sure if I said this in the last post I made, but I wonder how loud we need to talk in order for you to hear us.

One of my friends, Amanda, told me that we should make sure your dad is talking to you consistently throughout the pregnancy, so he is able to comfort you too when I'm not around. At church today, a woman in the sacrament meeting got up with her baby. The other two children cried and followed her out, though their dad was still sitting there with them when she left. I just laughed and looked over at your dad. I guess nothing quite compares to a mother's love. Now that I say that, you will probably end up being a daddy's boy. However, I don't think that will happen until I'm no longer supplying your food!

Kids really do seem to like your daddy. I hear funny stories all the time that seem to indicate just that. Tim used to work for a guy who has a son with developmental delays. He doesn't know very many words but Tim's name happens to be one of them. The son of Tim's current boss once told him, "When I grow up, I want to be just like you, Uncle Tim." The daughter of one of my friends gave a picture to him instead of me when she got to choose between us. Karla said, "She never does that. She normally doesn't like boys." I wasn't hurt by it, I know that I am lucky and blessed to have him in my life. I just think he has a sweet spirit, and little children, especially, can pick up on that. You will be lucky to have him in your life too. Sometimes, he doesn't have a way with words like mom, but it's really action that counts the most.

I'm going to go now, my little man. I'll try to have your name officially picked out soon. Please help if you can! Your dad and I love you.

Love,
Mom

Everyday, You Are Bigger and Stronger

My Beloved Son,

        I'm sorry it has been so long since I've written you, though it will seem like no time has lapsed at all when you read this. I think it has been about a month, but it has seemed much longer than that. I think about you every day, and hope that you are getting all the nutrients that you need. A couple of weeks ago, I went to the doctor for your official "sex check," though we already knew you were a boy. I really just wanted to see you and hear your heart beat. At 13 weeks, you moved around one time, though it seemed like such a big deal when you did! At 16 weeks, you were moving all over the place. During the check up, the doctor had a hard time keeping your heart beat on the doppler machine, because you kept turning. It just made me laugh. I already know that you are going to be a very active toddler/child, so your activity in the womb doesn't surprise me. Today, I got a little worried, because I hadn't felt you move for a while. Now, I can tell, you've definitely woken up. I encourage you to move around more. You can kick me and wake me up at night, that's okay. I will need to get used to being woken up in the middle of the night. I will probably be happy when I wake up, because I will know that you are okay and you are strong.

In class, I learned that babies are nocturnal by nature. They have to be programmed to sleep at night and not during the day. This has to do with the time when people were hunters and gatherers. Babies would sleep in a sling on the mothers back while she was out gathering nuts and berries during the day. It wasn't safe for mom to stop and feed the child for 30 minutes at a time, because of predators. I also learned all about how to properly breast feed, but I will spare you the details since you are a boy :).

Here are pictures of your sonograms. I know you will love the fact that I've shown one, in particular, to everyone. You'll see why:

In the bottom photo, you look like you have tiny little legs, but the top one does a better job at showing those meaty legs. You also look like you have big lips, but that could just be your lip muscles.

I'm really starting to show now (or should I say that YOU are starting to show?), though that just seems to be my opinion. It also depends on the shirt that I wear too. Here's the photo that your dad took on Saturday (3 days ago) before we went to a Braves' game:

In the beginning, I was pretty insecure about gaining the weight. When I look in the mirror now, I feel more beautiful than I've ever felt and, for once, don't feel insecure about gaining weight. It helps that I look really good in those pants. Your Aunt Karla (I don't know if she is okay with me calling her "Aunt," because she isn't really your Aunt, but she's always felt and been like a sister to me.) let me borrow some maternity clothes, and now I feel fabulous! I finally have clothes that fit me that aren't exercise pants/pajamas.

Son, I really love you. I worry sometimes that something might happen to you, but I always feel comforted to know that I got a blessing when I found out that I was pregnant with you. I was blessed that the pregnancy would go well and you would be healthy. I hope that you like me, and we have a good relationship. I'm going to do my best to raise you to know right from wrong and to find joy in this life and the next. I'll do my best to keep my temper when I get upset. I know I'll make mistakes, but I hope you'll forgive me. Don't be one of those teenagers that doesn't want anything to do with their parents, okay? I want kisses and hugs every day until you move out. Society is wrong. It's okay for boys to cry and show their emotions. 

Thinking of you and loving you always,

Mom

My Active Little One

Hello My Little Boy,

        Here's how I announced your boyhood to my family and friends:

Many people enjoyed the mustache. I was actually going to give you a tie, but they didn't have ties on the photo editing software that I was using. I think it turned out better with the mustache. More humor! Your Uncle Brian said that your mustache looked manly and that it was impressive. I am assuming that he is talking about how incredible it is for a 2.36 inch baby to grow a mustache. I think the fact that it is baby blue is the most impressive thing about it. Your Aunt Gina said, "Lol lol." I am sure she thought the photo was funny with the mustache. However, I think she was laughing more so because you are Ruland and Sue's 14th grandchild and you will be the 11th boy. I tease your daddy, because rarely can the Cardon boys produce anything other than boys. I've said that the Cardon legacy must be meant to live on- at least through the last name anyway!

I actually feel relieved that you are a boy. I was dead set on having a girl in the beginning. Then, one day I woke up and didn't care if you were a girl or a boy as long as you are healthy. Then, I started wanting a boy. Your mom (that's me) has always been a tomboy. I will either raise a girl that is a tomboy or raise a boy. I love sports and hiking and camping. I used to play with worms and mud, but I grew out of that phase. I've never grown out of my desire to climb trees. I went fishing with your dad this Saturday, and I actually picked up an earth worm out of the container to give to your dad. It took me about 2 minutes worth of screaming to get him out. 

So, we got to find out that you were a boy about 3 weeks earlier than we thought we would. That was a relief, because the wait was almost unbearable! I don't understand how people can stand to wait until a baby is born to find out if they are having a boy or a girl, especially on their first child. Even if people are more patient than we (and our family) have been, you still don't know what stroller to pick out, what to paint the room, or what clothes to buy.

 The best part about the whole ultrasound was that you started moving around. You weren't just wiggling your fingers a little, you were really going to town. You started moving both of your arms. Then, you reached down to touch your toes! I couldn't believe it, and my mind is still blown from the experience. It was like- you were no longer an idea or a little picture on a screen anymore. Your movement created a realization for me that you have feelings and awareness. I wonder what you think about. I wonder if you dream. You are already so beautiful and brilliant. You can't tell (because the mustache is in the way), but it looks like you are smiling in that sonogram photo. Actually. I will post the picture without the mustache, so you can see: 

I forgot to mention that your heart is now beating at 154 bpm now. The pregnancy website that I read says that you are the size of a peach. It also says that you may be able to get your thumb into your mouth which is a habit that comes in handy for self-soothing when you are a newborn. It's funny that it mentions that, because, most of the time during the sonogram, it looked like you were sucking your thumb. Sister Hibbert from church is the first person to say that I am starting to show that I am pregnant. I love you little one! I hope you can feel that from your dad and I even though you are only 13 weeks in utero. 

Loving Regards,

Mom

The first time I saw your face, I fell in love.

Hello Little One,

         I mean really little! It turns out that you are a week younger than I first thought. You were 2.35 cm on Tuesday morning when I got my first sonogram. That's right at an inch. Your doctor, Dr. Barfield, says that the measurements are accurate at determining age within plus or minus 4 days. He did two measurements just to make sure. Both measurements said you were 9 weeks and 1 day. When I heard your heartbeat, I cried. It was overwhelming to hear it. Not only had I had a nightmare the day before that they couldn't find your heartbeat, but it was also beating so fast!

He estimated your heart beat to be around 170 bpm which is normal for a fetus at 9 weeks. According to the chart that I looked at online, your heart is beating the fastest that it will ever beat in your life (resting heart rate), because heart rate starts to go back down after 9 weeks. The healthy range at 9 weeks is 155-195 with 175 being the average.

I asked him to let me record your heart beat from the ultrasound machine on my phone. Here's the recording of it:

                               
Here are the first photos I have of you in my belly:

You are truly the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I love you SO much!

Love,
Mom

P.S. By the way, you are not a twin :). I won't find out if you are a boy or a girl until you are 16 weeks, though I know your Grandpa (my dad) will keep asking in spite of telling him that.

The Important Things in Life

Hello again,

        Yesterday you were 9 weeks old. That means that you are an inch long and you are developing your liver, spleen, gallbladder, and diaphragm to help you breathe after you are born. I had a difficult experience on Friday. I wanted to share it with you and assure you that the world is wrong about the things that are most important in life. I am so happy that I am having you now and grateful to have a loving and kind husband to help me raise you. There are so many people in the world today without this blessing, and I know that your Heavenly Father has given me so much mercy. There have been men that I've known and dated in my life that aren't 1/10th of the man that your dad is.

        I had the difficult experience that I mentioned above during clinical in the hospital. I was assigned to a nurse that was the furthest thing from a ray of sunshine. Most of the things I learned are things that I shouldn't do as a nurse. I even had someone complain about the service they were receiving. She was the first person not to congratulate me when they found out about you. You could see the judgment in her eyes and the resentment on her face. Then, she persisted to ask everyone that walked into the break room where we were about their kids and told them they didn't need to have any more. She complained about how expensive kids are along with anything else that she could think to complain about.

I knew that I probably shouldn't even mention you to her especially since I'm not showing yet, but sometimes I am bad about ignoring the impressions I receive. I really need to get better at following impressions. The conversation kind of just led to children, I didn't openly volunteer the information. When she acted as she did, I didn't let her steal my joy. I just smiled and did my best to understand that she is brain-washed into believing that pursuing money and material items matters most in the world. However, I know that there are really only two things we can take with us when we die: the wisdom and learning we obtain while we are here on earth and our families. Family should absolutely be a priority. I don't mean to say that I believe that hard work isn't important. I know that it is important to gather resources in order to provide for our families, but we should do it with our families in mind. I know that working with the objective of obtaining money makes work long, daunting, and unfulfilling.

Today, I was also thinking about the advantages and disadvantages of you being born into the church. On the one hand, you will know the truth from an early age which will help you make better decisions in your childhood and throughout your teenage years if we are able to convey and you are able to fully understand the importance of obeying the commandments and repenting. Because I was not a member of the church, I grew up confused about all the different doctrine taught by different churches. I'm glad that you don't have to have the confusion that I had growing up. However, I think that sometimes the members who grow up in the church can take the gospel for granted. If you constantly see light, you can grow accustomed to it. For me, I felt like I had lived in the darkness for so long I was astonished by the bright light that I had found. The gospel was so clear and coherent and beautiful to me.

You will have questions, and that's okay. It is important to question, that's what led me to the church. Everyone has to gain a testimony of the restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ regardless of whether they are born in the church or not. Someone gave a talk today about Jeffery R. Holland's talk on belief. Here are some thoughts he shares about what to do when questions arise:

"When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by saying how much you do not have, leading as it were with your “unbelief.” That is like trying to stuff a turkey through the beak! Let me be clear on this point: I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have. Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an honest declaration of faith. It is not! So let us all remember the clear message of this scriptural account: Be as candid about your questions as you need to be; life is full of them on one subject or another. But if you and your family want to be healed, don’t let those questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle.

Brothers and sisters, this is a divine work in process, with the manifestations and blessings of it abounding in every direction, so please don’t hyperventilate if from time to time issues arise that need to be examined, understood, and resolved. They do and they will. In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember, in this world, everyone is to walk by faith."

I love you so very much, and I am so grateful to be having you. Thinking of you often.

Love,
Mom

Maybe Twins?

Hello Love(s),

I want to share a little bit about what I've been experiencing, but I don't want you to think that I am complaining (though I am a little whiny, honestly!). I simply want you to be able to know more about your life even before you are born. I know that I've always enjoyed hearing about portions of my life that I don't remember even now as an adult.

I'm convinced that I'm having twins because of the severity and early onset of my nausea and morning sickness. I've never had morning sickness before, but I can look at all the statistics online. It usually starts around 10 weeks. Mine started around week 7. I haven't thrown up yet, but I've felt like throwing up. It's hard for me to eat anything. They say that food aversions are common, but it seems like people have food aversions for just a few things like chicken or oranges. I have food aversions for EVERYTHING. Sometimes, I might crave just one thing. I wanted a hamburger from Fuddruckers a couple nights ago. Then, I wanted pizza the next night (I thought), but I stopped wanting it before Tim could even order it. Last night, I wanted cookies. I know....I've been eating really healthy...The thought of eating vegetables makes me nauseous. I ate Chinese food yesterday for lunch, but I couldn't eat the green bell peppers in it. I usually love fresh vegetables! I didn't really want anything this morning, but I was able to eat a couple cookies. Can you imagine not wanting cookies?! I don't want ice cream either...well, not the stuff in the refrigerator. I think I could go for one of the delicious ice creams they sell out of the back of an ice cream truck that has bubble gum embedded as the eyes. Anyway! I was reading a post about early signs of having twins, and one lady pregnant with twins said that she had food aversions to everything, Coincidence? Perhaps. I've thought I was going to have twins long before I got pregnant, but we will see. My first pre-natal check-up is July 2nd.

You are now 8 weeks and 1 day in utero. I will spare you the picture of what a baby looks like at 8 weeks, though I can tell you....babies look like little aliens. The source I was reading said they even get little tails at one point, though I believe you've already lost your tail. However, I will show you how big you are:

Still pretty tiny. It's hard to believe something so small could cause so many changes in my body even if there are two of you. I used to be able to run 4 miles, no problem. I went running with your dad Wednesday night (today is Sunday), and I had to stop at least three times. I was just glad that I was exercising. Most days, I just feel like napping. It does take a tremendous amount of energy to make a little person/people. This week, I am building you millions of brain cells. With that said, I should probably be eating a little better.

I have to go now. I need to dry my hair before church. Today is kind of a big day. Your dad and I are announcing to our families about your existence! I will let you know how they react :). We are going to put a sign on Marbel and let her go up to your granny and great grandpa. Here's a picture of the sign:

 Talk to you soon. Hey, if you could, would you ease up on me a little bit? I really miss eating food :). Haha! I love you very much.

Love,
Mom

Finding Out About You

My Beloved Child,

          I just found out about you a little over a week ago. I haven't written you until now because of a very challenging summer semester of nursing school, though I haven't stopped thinking of you and talking to you. I don't even know if you have ears yet. The website for What to Expect When Your Expecting says that you will be the size of a blueberry next week, can you believe it? When you are old enough to read this, I am sure that you will be thousands of times larger than a blueberry, though you are thousands of times larger than you were just last week!

You were definitely planned. I've wanted you for a long time, but I let other things in my life stand in the way of how important it is to be a mother. I've felt you urging me from beyond the veil trying to help influence me to give up the selfish things in my life to know a joy unlike I have ever known before. I had a thought the other day, and it made me cry. It seems like I am crying daily now, though they are always joyful tears. I hope you constantly get to know the feeling of being so happy that you cry when you are here on earth with me. The thought I had was related to why Heavenly Father so much wants us to become parents while on earth. I realized that children are not meant to be a burden but a joy. I once heard someone say that children, "Open up a part of your heart that you never knew you had before." I truly believe that.

My whole life is going to change because of you in 241 days. I have a count down timer on my phone :). You were conceived around May 11th, so that makes you 5 weeks and 4 days old and 2 mm long. You are supposed to be due on February 1st, 2014, so I will need to take off my last semester of school in order to have you.  I know that raising you is going to be one of the most challenging but rewarding experiences I have had in my life. The reason why raising you will be one of the most challenging things I've ever done is because these are perilous times on earth. I can't begin to tell you how rapidly morality has declined in my lifetime. It's scary, and people are so blinded by their sins that they think we are making progress and breaking away from the "narrow-minded" religious ties that have "kept us from exercising our freedoms." What most of the world doesn't understand is that all of the "freedoms" and pleasures that people pursue are empty. Sin actually keeps us from being free. It serves to fool people into believing that are happy for a short time, but they soon realize how empty and vain life is when they are pursuing pleasures and sins. Then, people must continually find ways to distract themselves, so they don't feel the deep void that grows within them when they are far from our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I don't suggest telling people this to their face. People that are living in sin don't believe that sin is real and don't understand what it is or what it does. Because of pride, It would only serve to drive people deeper into the lifestyle that makes them empty. I say this from experience. Before I was baptized, I didn't think sin was real, though I knew I felt empty inside. Millions of people commit suicide every year. That number is growing. The emptiness that I am talking about is real.

I don't say all of this to you to suggest that I am righteous. I know that I am flawed, as I am sure you have found out by the time you are reading this. I do know that I very much want to give away all of my sins in order to enter back into the presence of my Heavenly Father, and I pray for a greater desire to do so almost daily. I told you about the sins of the world in order to explain to you how difficult it will be to help you find your way back to Heavenly Father in a world that so often disguises good for evil and evil for good. Sin, especially in movies and TV, has a way of presenting itself as ever so appealing. Sometimes, it is sprinkled here and there until a tolerance can be built. Tolerance can lead to acceptance which can lead to indulgence.

My challenge is helping you to choose the right things to watch, the right music to listen to, and the right friends to hang around without seeming like I am trying to control you. I know that the thing that will drive you most quickly away from making the right decision is trying to force you to do it. I want you to know that your dad and I love you with all of our hearts. We promised you a long time ago that we would raise you so that you would know the Lord. I hope very much we are able to keep our promise to you and be the kind of example that will help you to know how to live your life.

By the way, I am convinced that you are a girl which is why you will probably be a boy. Your dad and I have been praying for twins. Wouldn't it be funny if we had triplets!? I think I would have to name the third child Irony. Just kidding, I wouldn't do that :). If you are a girl, your name will be Aysling Rachael Cardon. If you are a boy, we are going to name you Asher Ruland Cardon. Ruland is after your dad's dad! That's so I can call you Roo for your nickname. Oh, I bet you'll love that! (Especially, when you get older).

I'll write to you more soon. I actually hope that I can keep this from you until you graduate from high school and give this to you as one of your graduation gifts. I love you more than you know.

With Loving Thoughts And Prayers,
Mom